Log in

Heart Ache

This last weekend started so fantastic. I got a weekend away with the boyfriend, we got to drive out alone. Which I so enjoy because there is always much better conversation when we are having private conversations. We arrived in St. Charles to stay with James of Doncaster who always opens up his home to us with great kindness. We pulled in the drive at the same time as Xandre and Cordelia, Duncan, Juliana, and Cecily pulled in right behind us. We all must have been on the highway together and not even seen each other, which is strange considering we all have Calontir stickers on our vehicles. Isibel and Mathieu were already there, we hung out and drank, finished last minute sewing projects for the next day, talked, laughed, everyone enjoying each other's company. We didn't make it to bed until 4 am, which is very normal for the fun we have hanging out with friends at James of D's. It is always such a good time, James is such a gracious host.
Morning came, we all got ready and made our way to site with the help of gps, which is a godsend! I need to get one for myself. Parking at events in Three Rivers is always interesting. We drove as close as we could to the door to unload all the gear. In the process of unloading my phone rang, it was my older brothers ringtone, I let it go to voicemail, figured he would leave a message or call back if it was important. The boyfriend went to park the truck and with arms full of gear getting ready to walk into site the phone rang again. Again it was my brother. I answered it.
Friends, I warn you now this is not a happy post, it is full of my sorrow. There was a death in the family and I am going to pour my heart out so go back now if you do not want to hear my sadness.

My Auntie Phyllis, My optimistic, confident, loving, heart warming, calm in the center of a storm Auntie Phyllis. My auntie who loved the Beatles. Who wished she could live at Disneyland, even had a disney themed wedding.  My Auntie who never drank unless it was a sip of champagne for a toast, who took us as children to the movies when no one else could ever afford it. Who would sing Princess songs, or somewhere over the rainbow, who believed in Fairy tales and made us all think they were possible when she found her own prince. She didn't wake up. 
She was diabetic. She had that one fault, she let her self go too far, and it ravaged her body. It won.
And there I was, at the door to the event. I walked back out side. My eyes were welling up. My boyfriend was parking the truck. I could not find a place to hide. People were coming in from all directions. My brother hung up so he could call my sisters. I stood there feeling lost. The boyfriend came back. Saw the look on my face and asked, I told him, he held me. People were still coming in from everywhere. 
He asked if I wanted to leave, I said no. What was I going to do if I left? Sit and mope and cry alone somewhere? My family is in California, what could I have done at that moment that would have made anything better? No, I couldn't leave. No I would just put it in the back of my mind for today. There is nothing I can do.
Although it was difficult, I managed to pretend for the most part that it was nothing was wrong. I just ignored it. Every little while my eyes would well up, but for the most part it was fine. It hadn't really hit me yet. I talked with friends about anything and everything, we laughed and hung out. I hung out at two of my great friends vigil's and wandered down to the sub basement to watch my boyfriend win Chieftains, while wearing my favor. My best friend got a year and a day trial with her soon to be Laurel. I drank delicious rum in front of court and help instigate the wave that then began to spread all throughout court. I learned that being a bad kid in front of court out of sight of the crown might be a new trend. I witnessed two great friends become peers. I went back to James of D's, made spaghetti. We went to post, I drank, I laughed, I sang, I got much enjoyed PDA from the boyfriend. I started to cry when a song called out, "when I die let there be revelry". I swallowed the tears. Went to bed, had a beautiful scenic drive to the boyfriends, tried to call people, tears came swift when I tried to call my uncle and my Auntie's voice greeted me on their voicemail. No one answered any call I made. Looked a little at FB from my phone. Again tears came when I started to see the dedications. Quickly turned my phone off. The boyfriend was being really sweet, but I knew once I started to let it out, it wasn't going to stop. 
The next morning I came home, to my silent little apt. I opened up my laptop, logged on to FB and started to read. 
My cousin Nadine was my Auntie Phyllis' god daughter. All the songs she could remember being sung by my Auntie were sprawled all over her page, each one with dedications, pictures of my Auntie laughing, dancing, singing, enjoying every moment of her life. All there.
All my cousins, sisters, brothers, Aunt, Uncle everyone's pages were covered with pictures and songs. There was no stopping the sadness. It all came flooding out. 
My brother's post from Sat, he had a dream friday night that my mom, who passed away in 2003, was so excited and telling her friends that her girlfriend she loved so much was coming to live with her. 
My aunt saying that she could see my Auntie up in Heaven singing spanish songs, while my mom was dancing and my grandpa was playing the spoons. 
My cousin saying that the gates of heaven opened up and welcomed its newest angel. 
An Uncle speaking her praises and saying if only we could all walk the walk and talk the talk that she did. 
In a family of people who mean well, but are usually highly self centered and self destructive, my Auntie was the only true role model for us. She was independent, confident, optimistic, stood up for her beliefs. She educated herself, and found a loving none abusive man to marry. A man who loved her truly unconditionally. Unconditional love is something that no other man in my family has ever exhibited. She did not settle for less. 
Never again will I hear my Auntie call me her Glamour Gal or Angel. Never again will I see her light up when she sees us. But always will I remember her true love. Always will I remember everything that she showed me and taught me with her heart and her soul. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving us.
To all of my friends, if you are diabetic, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! Do what every you have to do to stay healthy. Diabetes claimed my Grandpa in 1995,  my Mommy in 2003 and my Auntie in 2011. 
I don't know where the afterlife is, but I do believe it is a better place than this one we all call home. I am happy you are no longer in pain Auntie. I am happy you are now with my Mommy and Grandpa. You can see again, you can walk, you can dance, and laugh without being tired. I will miss you dearly. I will love you for ever...


Aw, honey...I am so sorry. Your aunt sounds like a marvelous person. Diabetes really, really sucks. I lost my best friend to it--wow--12 years ago now. Many hugs, treasure those memories, and let yourself grieve--you need to.

November 2013

Powered by LiveJournal.com